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Well here I am again for my monthly update. I wish I could say things have gotten better but they really haven't. My friend has been telling me about her depression due to work and just a lot of things that are getting to her. It sucks cause I don't know what to say about it. I mean of course there's the obvious answers of therapy and such, but can I really tell someone to do something I wouldn't do myself? I mean I'm feeling pretty shitty and all and I refuse to go to a therapist. Is it pride? or is it the thought that I don't deserve to be helped? I always try to keep out of other's people's way and just put my all in everything, but then I feel like I am now and I still refuse to go to other people. I try not to accept any help from anyone either. It's just hard to explain why I do the things I do. But then I'm looked at for advice with everything, be it personal depression or romantic advice or even basic advice on living. I do the best I can but I don't understand how I get asked such things when I don't know anything first hand about anything. I don't know how to get out of being sad or depressed because I can't escape my own. I don't know any romantic advice because I've never even been past a first date with anyone. I don't know much about what to do with life's problems because I can't even stay in reality for too long without slipping into my own version of reality. Then with work, there's some people that are rooting for me to advance myself and there are some who are trying to hold me back. I've been given so many responsibilities and duties that I barely have the time to do anything. I have so many tasks left undone because I simply don't have the time in my day to take care of the entire front-end, check up on the other employees, help develop one of the training assistant managers, do store audits, organize the files, new hire orientations, and I even need to start training at least 2 new supervisors. Despite all those things I do, I'm overlooked in my merits because I lack one thing...selling Gap Cards to customers. There's way too much stress on my mind and it is just...tiring. And school is starting up again soon, so that's not going to be fun anymore. The feeling of wanting to move out is also in the back of my mind still. I can't stay in this superficial goop anymore. I'm lost and numb. It's just too much to handle and I'm losing myself everyday. I have nothing left to do but cry. And today won't be the last day that I shed tears of anguish.
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Well to start off, I went to the Stonewall Festival today. It was fun. I saw the spiffy parade, took some pictures, and I was hanging out with my friends. What else could I have wanted to do? Oh yeah but at the end I got sunburnt lol. Oh well, tis what happens when one who avoids the sun stays out in it too long. When I was going to get my car, I kinda forgot exactly where I parked. So I spent about an hour and a half or two hours or something walking all of Wilton Manors to try and find my car. After a while I just called my friends saying I couldn't find my car and we eventually got to it. It was funny though, I was at the little festival thing and I was amongst a horde of gay people. Seeing all of them realized how different I was from them. I'm both proud and saddened by it. I'm happy that I am definitely unique, but sad also that since I refuse to join the rest of the community in how they are, my life is a bit lonelier. Even amongst my friends I was with. They are all connected into the scene that I choose to stay out of. I actually felt alone amongst them too. It's just tough... And also, I realize that I really need to get my own place again. EVERYTHING is starting to get on my nerves. I feel like I'm either censored or chastised for everything and I again have that feeling of not belonging. At least on my own I never had to hide anything. I could do whatever I wanted whenever. Can't do that now. I feel too entrapped. I can't do anything without having to explain my actions. Maybe I just want to do something without having to explain for it. I feel like screaming but can't. I can't really even be me anymore while I'm here. That's why I like driving, I can do whatever in my car. I can, and have, just screamed for the sake of getting things out. So yeah. That's what's going on.
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Well today Heidi and I went to Epcot for day one of our Gay Days journey. It was rainy, but we still had high hopes of things to come. I was wearing a ceremonial red t-shirt that I heard was appropriate attire for the Gay Days event. We got wet. We went to just about all the good rides, missing some movies and the such, but there was one that was pure crap. It's called something like Sea Lives or something or other. Pretty much it should have been called "the elevator ride" because the synthetic elevator was the only ride. Everything else was promotional sell stuff. We did get to go to like all the country areas, and the Japanese and Chinese places were exquisite. Afterwards we ate at this Japanese place called Ren-getsu. It was absolutely fantastic, though a bit on the pricy side. But the people were nice and there was entertainment added to the dinner. A very nice day.
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| Subject: | Hurt |
| Time: | 12:50 am. |
| Mood: |  hopeless. | | Music: | The Places That You Have Come to Fear the Most. |
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"I apologize for moving so quickly last night. It was unfair to make you feel the way you did. I was thinking about him the whole time."-Anonymous
The above quote was given to me just as I got home from work. Though the guy that said it probably doesn't deserve the right to be unknown, I'll give him the safety. Pretty much this originated last night, apparently. I opened at work and I was asked out on a date by the above person. Me, not being Mr. Read-all-emotions, told him that I would go and see what happens with no expectations, however, if he liked me then he should just go ahead and kiss me. I told him that if I liked him back then I would kiss him back. That is how I tell anyone I date how I know if they're actually interested interested or friend interested. I find it the easiest. Well we went to eat at Sushi Takara and we were just talking and what nots. We were supposed to go to a movie but we still had time to kill so he suggested some anime watching. I agreed since I had to catch up on my anime. We went to his house and just hung out and played some videogames. I made no moves or suggestive comments or anything. Just played videogames and watched anime. After he beat me for like the umpteenth time in a game I never played before but it was fun, he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back. We didn't have sex or anything, but for the next couple of hours I actually felt alive. I felt blood rush through my veins and my heart beat. I was warm when I was held close to him while watching the movie. I smiled a genuine smile. Every feeling and emotion I've supressed rushed back to me. I didn't feel like I had to be so defensive. But then I had to come home from work today. We talked for a bit online when he said he needed to be serious for a second. I already felt my heart drop. He started with the apology. I said it was ok. He then told me about the friend that called him while I was at his house and how that was his best friend that he fell in love with before. I knew the story and I guessed that who was on the phone based on his reactions. I told him I knew. He then said how he wasn't completely over him. How he thought what he did was unfair to me. I was confused. Then he confessed how he was thinking about his friend the entire time. The way he looked at me, his actions, the kissing, he was picturing some other guy. Now since the computer is in the middle of my living room and it was mid afternoon, I couldn't just start bursting into tears. So I held them back. He said he was really sorry and he didn't want to do such a horrible thing to someone who has been nothing but nice to him. He asked me if I thought we could still be friends, but he would understand if I didn't want to. It was so hard to hold back my pain and my tears. I asked him if that meant he wanted to take back the kiss. He said no, he liked this kiss and everything that we did, but he's not ready to go to another relationship. I had to tell him that I would be ok with being his friend. The only thing is I would have to take the kiss back. I can't take the emotional confusion that might make me do the same hurtful thing he did to me to someone else. He said he wanted to talk more but had to pick up his mother. I said ok and just left. I went into my brother's room since I don't have one of my own, sat in the dark, and cried. Tonight I cry and feel my pains. I'll fell the emotions that woke up for one day lie dormant again. Tonight I cry. Tomorrow I'm dead to the world again. Tomorrow all emotions will be gone once again. And once again the only pain I will know is the pain of solitude. I shouldn't completely blame him. It was me who allowed myself to feel so quickly. I didn't fall in love with him, just felt happy. The only thing I really want to know is why? Why did "God" or whoever make me have to go through this? Haven't I done enough to prove myself as a good person? Why does shit happen to good people?
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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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Well not too much new with the updating that I can think of cause of the 36-40 hours a week of work plus two full days of school. Diagnosis: meshing the two avenues of life cause a massive headache. On a happier note, I got bitched at by a customer today. For some strange reason she did not understand why she was getting $2.32 back for two shirts she was returning. Probably cause that's how much she paid for them on the receipt. Revelation. However, the old bag didn't like that answer. Since she used a coupon, she wanted the coupon money back. Guess what, coupons are a one time deal. You don't get the money that you saved back when you return something. That's like gaining profit off what you bought. Then the bitch wanted me to do the transaction as if she didn't have a receipt. I told her well if she didn't have the receipt it's either a store exchange or a store credit through the mail that takes approx. 14 business days to get to her. So then she opted for that because then the shirts lowest current selling price was $3.97. I told the lady she can't really do that cause I know she has the receipt and it would be dishonest of her to attempt such a thing. Oh did the shit hit the fan when I said dishonest. She said I was cheating her of her coupon money and she wanted it credited back. Our register system doesn't allow us to change the price of merchandise being returned if we scan the receipt for it. When I was trying to explain that to her she exploded in rage and demanded I change the price. Lesson to be learned: old bags from Boca Raton should drop dead and be eaten by the carrion crows because the bitched will not be missed. Oh well, bad things will happen to that bitch if she continues in her ways so I'm not too worried about it. I figured anyone who still happens to glance upon my journal got tired of all the negative crap that I feel so I guessed my little work story would be a suitable alternative. Enjoy and revel in the feeling that most likely you don't have to deal with as bad of people as I do on a daily basis....
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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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Another night where I find myself crying. I'm losing everything in me mind. I can't even contain my feelings of pain anymore. Consider this my cry for help. Just please let me know if I made a difference somewhere. Please help me contain everything once more. I really don't have much left.
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| Time: | 11:24 am. |
| Mood: |  crappy. | | Music: | Boulevard of Broken Dreams. |
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I wish I knew my own self-worth.
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Well I've just spent some time reading the journals of my friends cause I haven't read anything new from them in such a long time. In particular I was reading the journal of my friend Kathy who is spending a year in Japan. There was a couple of things about her journal that was both uplifting yet not so much. It is good to know that she is enjoying her time there. I think it was very important for her to do so since she was pretty sad about a lot of things. It was also interesting to find out that men there are the same perverted/crazy people as men here. Her account is on deadjournal so I wasn't looking at all the livejournals yet. When I did get to reading those though, I see what I've been missing. I was reading about friends who found their happiness and I was thrilled for them. I also read where some have went the opposite direction and fear for them but know they will persevere cause they're stronger than that. Then there's me. I've tried to find my happiness somewhere. I've even tried changing who I am. Tried being less cynical and everything. Unfortunately the world around me doesn't take to my change very well. People think something is wrong with me if I'm not how I am now. I tried using my attitude to my advantage and it was working for a brief time. I wasn't happy exactly but I wasn't deep into my despression. Things that are such were not made to last apparently. Now I'm at a stage where I'm attempting to erase myself from memory. I've gone into a state of seclusion. I usually just want to be left alone. I listen to music while I cry. Yes, I still cry. I cry to make the pain in me stop. Cry to make all my feelings go away. I don't want this anymore. I want everything to just go away or for time to turn back so I can try and fix the beginning of this horridness. Sometimes I loose my sense of reality and just end up somewhere different. Other times I picture myself going to the ledge of some cliff and I look down. I just never realize if in that vision I let myself just fall or I walk back. I really don't know. Something has to change. Fast.
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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"Through knowledge and comprehension may begin a revolution."-honestly don't know if said before or original
Well to begin I guess I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. I'm still here and I still function as a person functions daily. Not too much has changed in my lifetime since the large absence of updating on my livejournal. I still go to school and still work a full-time job. It's been quite a while that many of my friends left and I had to remain by my lonesome and live in a world of cruelty and ignorance. I persevere though. I'm still here. I refuse to give up even though my mind and body aches for that type of release. I remain for the people that I would leave behind. So don't always expect me to be cheery, and don't expect me to be kind. Just be happy that I am. Over the course of my absence I have taken courses in school of philosophy and how society molds people to what it wants. I'm also taking classes about the stars above and an artist's ability to portray someone else. I've read many books delving in fantasy and a semi-reality in the world. I continue to slave at a retail job for $11.50 an hour where I get chastised if I become too liberal in my actions. They fail to give me any truly harsh punishments because they know that I am one of the few that truly know what I'm doing. I haven't talked to many people since I've become solitary. I've stopped going to the gay youth group on Thursdays since I had to open up my work availability. The only interaction I maintain with people are the ones that I see at work. Everything else is digital in my digital crack reality of World of Warcraft. I myself decided to live into that game because it is the simplest version of living. In my game I don't have to worry about being by myself. I don't need anyone else to prove my own worth. And by the way, Happy Valentine's day to those that need the reassurance. I was the bitter person at work wearing all black because I don't believe in the hallmark holidays. I also am choosing to inform all those that read my entry today that I have been going back and forth between my corrupted past and saintly present. I've delved into the dichotomy of my life. I screw around when it happens to feel the very thing that reminds me I do live. Without the pain or passion all I know is the negativity and unfulfillments that are burrowing it's dark whole into my very soul(or whatever's left of it) and being. It happens. There's not much that anyone else can do for me. It's done with. Even with the return of some of my friends, things will never be as they were. Time can't be turned back. What I've lost in my humanity is long gone. I just thought I would say.
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Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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I'd have to say one of the greatest pains to experience is having to hide how you feel for someone for their own good. You know they really care for someone and even if you wanted to offer bad advice to try and get this person you like to maybe find his way around to you, you don't. You help him in the way a true friend is supposed to. You help him in a way that you aren't looked at in the way you want to. But it's ok because he'll end up happy. You put on that fake smile as you watch him leave. Once again left in a room alone. The only thing to keep you company is that song playing in the background. The one that lets you know you're alone but you did what had to be done. It doesn't console your feelings though. Your heart sinks. The years you spent convincing yourself you don't have a heart or you don't harbor emotions. All the practice you did to not feel gone in a matter of minutes. You hurt. You recede back into the dark areas of your mind. Retreat to a grave that you refused to leave...a refuge that you've built to flee the places you have come to fear the most. It's not easy. And you're expected to just walk on by as if nothing happened the next day. You're expected to give that warm smile you usually do. Expected to have the energy and vivaciousness you normally use to make people laugh and feel good. You fake it all. You lie left and right. It's most difficult to continue everyday faking everything when you hold an immense amount of pain in your heart. You've sacrificed just about everything for the well-being of everyone you consider close. You get nothing in return. You don't expect it. You don't stop what you do because of it. You just harbor more and more. It kills you slowly and painfully on the inside. Every tear you shed is a piece of your humanity and soul lost. Eventually there will be no more tears. You care less and less over your own well-being. You don't take care of yourself the way you should be. You neglect sleep and eating. Maybe only having one small meal a day or trying to ingest as much caffeine as you can in hopes of speeding up your demise some way. You work more than you should and refuse to take breaks. You ignore things that might be physical maladies no matter how intense the pain might be. Your heart that started out a vibrant red starts to fade to a very dark black. If that transformation completes itself you are convinced you can find your peace....
-KT84
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I don't really know what I'm still doing here. Most people misunderstand me and don't know who I am. I guess I can kinda blame myself for that because I don't easily trust people, and to this day I still don't think there's someone that I completely trust. There's nobody I know that I can talk to about anything and not think I'm just saying things for attention. Truthfully I have been trying to overdo it with the caffeine intake and everything. It's not really because I'm tired all the time and need to stay awake. I'm trying to feel anything else besides how I do now or at least try to give myself a heart attack or something. I'm back to my old self with the hooking up kinda too. As reckless as ever. When I used to hang out with Orion and Danny and had to be with them when they were both hospitalized, we joked that I would be the next one. However, I was serious in telling them that I refused. I'd rather die. They thought I was joking. I don't know why people hate themselves. I don't know why I hate myself either. I just feel like I'm useless and good for nothing. I help people's lives for a short period of time then I guess somehow cause them to fall apart. People seem to be better off once I leave the picture. For example, when I was in Rhode Island, my friend Russ was going through a mini-hell with me. I leave and a few months later he's the happiest he's ever been and being successfull. Even my own family seemed to be doing well while I was away. When I come back there's more yelling, more problems, more drama, and now my dad is leaving to take a job offer in Georgia leaving us here. Danny is happy without me in the picture with Felipe. Orion is happy without me with Obi. Cesar is going to do what he wants with fire-fighting in Gainesville. Heidi is perfectly happy with Marcos. Juan happy with Michiko. I'm all alone again. I'm always alone. I saw the drag show at Cathode tonight alone. I watched Harry Potter alone. Spiderman 2 and King Arthur I'm going to be watching alone as well. Not because I want to see these movies by myself but there's nobody for me to see them with. I just don't like being alone. I've been alone for such a long time and unable to relate to people since such an early age. Because of this I don't feel loved, nor do I feel happy. I'm alone. Just alone.
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"I hurt myself today...to see if I still feel...I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real..."-NIN
All I have to say right now is that Medji and Timi, I belive, really owe me this time. I mean I went to work at 9:30 in the morning yesterday and then Medji calls out for an emergency, fine. Timi was in Naples with her boyfriend and what nots, so I pretty much had to work 9:30-10 last night. 13 and a half hours. Anyways, whatever I worked and I had lunch with Orion. That was fun. It was good seeing him again and everything, but of course we were talking about boyfriend drama. I swear it's like I'm a psychiatrist that isn't getting paid, cause that's exactly what I'm doing. Oh well. I really did hurt myself today and I did focus on the pain. Lately it's been a task to still feel anything. I work so much so I don't have to so I'm not totally complaining about working the double shift. I just wanted to maybe hang out with people after work cause I was supposed to get out earlier. Oh well, tis life, the crackwhore that she is.
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Saturday, June 26th, 2004
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"Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's too much pressure to take...I felt this way before so insecure..."-Linkin Park
Well I guess I'll start out with the happy stuff because it tends to be so few. This week's happy news is that I got my first two seasons of uncut Sailor Moon yay. There's also money in my bank account so that's good too. ::Thinking thinking:: I think that's where my good list ends. How sad. I've been talking to some of my old friends here and there. I miss them. It's not easy for me to make new friends. I'm a bit too shy. I'll be in a public area where friend-making is common place and I feel estranged. When talking to my friends they all sounded happy which is good but they somehow expected me to be the same. I'm sorry if I burst their bubbles but if you couldn't tell there's not too much for me to be happy about. They also make it sound like I'm going to be here forever or something. I'm not. It's hard enough for me to go day by day right now. I try to work nonstop and constantly so I don't have to think or feel. Why is it so hard to accept that I don't want to live a long life? I don't see exactly what's so grand about being here. I mean gay people are generally too concerned with outside appearance and anonymous sex that they bother to see me for who I am. Granted, I need to be physically attracted to someone to go out with them, but that's just a thing that's necessary to start off with. I'm not the pickiest person in the world when it comes to looks but I do have my standards. Guys don't see me for my personality or mind though. They see how I look and they usually don't like what they see and move on. The only ones I get that don't look away are the ones old enough to be my father. Is it really so much to ask for someone to like me for what I look like and appreciate me for my mind that I can also appreciate for their interestingness and appearance? I think I deserve at least something close to that. I mean I've done so many things to label me as a good person. I don't know. I need to get out of here. I kind of want to be alone but at the same time I'm so alone right now that I want to have people I can rely on. I want someone I can trust and talk to that won't judge me. I can't tell certain things to certain people because they would think it's stupid. I remember not being able to talk about me being lonely, though I still am, with my friend Heidi because before she would say "love is a stupid thing" or "love isn't real." I don't know why exactly I refuse to talk about my feelings with people. I guess it's the demeanor I'm known for. I'm known for being cool and collected. For not caring about anything. Or at least not showing that I care. In reality I'm weak. I get hurt easily and have been hurt many times. I can't seem to help it. I've been too sheltered when I was young. I haven't gotten to fully grow as a person until it was all shoved on me to do so. I never had a chance to really have a full childhood with all the fun in the world with it. I never had such things really. I've had to be really mature for my age. I swear I'm 20 going on 90. I all ready feel old. I don't feel young, I don't feel beautiful, and I don't feel fun anymore. I feel like old trash. And about now I think I need to be recycled. I'll leave that to your imagination to see what I mean.
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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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"Umm hi I believe you towed my car."-me
Yesterday was undoubtedly one of the shittiest days of my life. I mean for seriousness. It started out fine. Had to work, Pat let me rearrange my own schedule to not get into overtime. Did a group interview with Mike, the normal stuff. After work though, my family already left for Key Largo for the weekend. The weekend I couldn't go to cause I had to work. I find out that I pretty much have to close the entire week cause I was scheduled for some and then I have to close tomorrow because Timi, one of the other FES's cut her hand and has 10 stitches, and Medji, the to other FES had a death in the family. So I decide since I opend on Friday and I close on the Saturday after, that I would go to Coliseum since I haven't been there in a LONG time. Now for those that know me and Coliseum, know that I go there to dance off any frustrations I have building up. It's my therapy pretty much to not overload myself. Well guess what. No dancing for me, oh no. I met up with a few friends there and one of them had brought his boyfriend that lives in TN down with him. The boyfriend didn't want to go in the first place and my friend wasn't paying much attention to him so I decided to stay with my friend's boyfriend. I know what it's like to be in a place you don't like by yourself that you don't know. So I kept him company for the night. After a while the cigarette smoke was getting to him so we decided to leave. Stepping into the parking lot that people have been parking for years at I found my car to be not there. It was towed. How fan-fucking-tastic. So me and my friend's boyfriend spent the evening in a car with strangers and their father to go around the city to scrounge up cash to bail our cars out. I depleted my bank account and had to borrow a little bit of money from my friend's boyfriend. So yeah by the end of the evening, I felt like crap but at least I helped out a poor soul. I still feel like shit though.
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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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I'm trying to make up for my long periods of silence if you couldn't tell lol. Anyways today was a pretty blah day, I just woke up in order to go to work. Let me tell you, manager training stuffs not fun. I had to spend the first four hours of my shift looking through these boring manager "magazines" to train me in the skills as a supervisor that I'll need to learn as a manager. So that was that, then I went on my hour break. When I come back the first thing I start to do is close down some registers. The closing went pretty smoothly until the very end where I find out about a store credit by mail that was given unjustly and was actually tendered as a mail check. Damn stupid people I work with and the stupid customers I deal with. Oh another thing during the day was with this one customer that was giving me grief and I tried helping him the best I could. Long story short, Joanne, a manager of mine overruled what I said and gave the guy the jeans that were 29.99 for 19.99. Fine whatever, I tell the dude to tell whatever cashier he gets that Joanne approved of it. Well apparently when he gets to the cashier he's all like "those jeans are 19.99." She's all like "well they're ringing up 29.99." He's all like "well your supervisor said that it was ok." She's like "which one?" He's like "the gay one." She's like "well that doesn't help much, can you describe him." After hearing that bit it was like "whoa whoa whoa, when did my sexual orientation step into my personal description and that being the only thing about me he can describe?" How discriminated against do I feel? Anyways that was pretty much my work day and when closing Orion called me. I couldn't talk long so I called him back when I got home. We talked for a bit...well more like he talked for a bit. I ate a sandwich. He was going on about how great gay days at Disney was. I wanted to go to gay days, but unfortunately I didn't have the money to go and I had to work. He likes the guy he's seeing. Good for him. Danny likes the guy he's seeing, good for him. Do I want to know every detail about their dating lives, not really, but I guess I have to hear it anyways. Well this is also like the 3rd month that I've been pretty sickly for. I can't seem to get rid of this horrible cough that I have. I also feel like shit and I don't think anyone really cares. I don't know, it's hard to see who's a real real friend and who only says they are. After all I get ditched at every turn if someone new pops up. People suck.
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I saw the third Harry Potter movie and I thought it was great. That was the good side of the evening. Watching that movie got me all excited and imaginative and stuff. Like how I used to be when there was a constant stream of RPGs to play in my life. Where I could escape reality with the slightest of ease. The bad part of the evening was that I saw the movie by myself. I was supposed to see it with Orion, but he apparently went to gay disney...I wanted to go to gay disney :(. He went with the guy he's currently dating cause he's paying for everything. It makes me kinda sad because we planned to watch Harry Potter long before this guy came along. It amazes me how quickly I am the one that gets laid off. Danny got a boyfriend; forget about Paul. Now Orion is seeing this guy; forget about Paul. To a degree even with Jose. Since he started seeing Michiko, things have been different. Oh well I guess I'll just focus on my job. I don't really know why I'm complaining. I kind of want to be forgotten. I don't want to be here. I really don't. All this crap about things getting better and that there's so much to live for. Well they can all shove it up their asses because apparently my life wasn't meant for it. I feel as if I'm a servitor to some power that is to make everyone around me as happy as they can be. Well where the fuck is my happy moment? When do I get to get rid of my anguish? It's as if the Dementers had their twisted torture with me. Except it's been this way for much longer than I knew what a Dementer was, and there's no spell to dispel them. So to everyone that has decided to abandon me, thanks.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
darkened_ki's journal
numb.
lonely.
depressed.
